I feel guilty, like I have failed, like I have done a bad thing. It's a feeling of self-judgement with which I have spent most of my life. I have always felt like a disappointment, not living up to the expectations of others. I don't feel worthy.
That underlying feeling is why I think so many of you are judging me for my failure to manage my finances in a more effective manner. There are so many things I think others will judge me on. Perhaps if I hadn't spent so much on travel, perhaps if I had gotten rid of my truck a long time ago, perhaps if I didn't go out to the bar with friends; these are all the second guessings I put myself through on your behalf, regardless of those near me telling me it's my life to live.
Here is the reality. I struggle, continuously, with "doing the proper thing". Even with that feeling, however, I constantly make the choice to "do the right thing for me". I have this "self" focus for one, and only one, reason. I have ALS and it is killing me. I am going to die, soon, from the terror and ravages of a disease with no treatment and no cure.
Each and every decision I make starts with the assumption that I will never get a second chance to live the life I have today. Each and every decision is coloured, tainted by the knowledge that tomorrow I will not be able to do what I can do today. So if I choose to do something later, I am taking a pretty good chance on not being able to do it at all. I am, by the very nature of this disease, compelled to make choices for today, like the grasshopper, and not for tomorrow, like the ant.
I don't always make the best decisions. What I try to do is make the decision to live for today, to live with ALS instead of dying with it. I choose life, however bad that decision may be from a financial perspective.
You have not failed anyone Richard, and no apologies are needed. You are doing the very best you can with the very SHITTY hand you have been dealt. Just feeling frustrated that there is not more that friends can do. I really wanted to spend time with you and your other friiends to see what, collectivlly we could do. There MUST be something! Is CTV going to be there when they bring you into the apt? If this had been an elevator in a shopping mall the publiic would have quit shopping there a long time ago! Why does a big building like this only have one elevator? Would it be possible to sell the apt and then rent it back for as long as you can be there? If it were me, right now, I would get all my friends to get me on the roof, then threaten to wheel myself off if something wasnt done NOW! I guess you are not a hothead like me. Keep thinking of Eagles song, Raise a Little Hell, I think you should raise a lot of hell! The Ice Bucket Challenge raised thousands of dollars. Now its time for ALS Society to start hhelping one person at a time. Starting with you!
ReplyDeleteYeah Freida. I would like to know how Rick could access that Ice Bucket money. I know most of it was raised in the US but surely some was raised here in Canada. I have a bit of money here that I can give Rick. I was planning on giving it to him when he gets here to see the new baby. Thanks for caring my friend.
ReplyDeleteYeah Freida. I would like to know how Rick could access that Ice Bucket money. I know most of it was raised in the US but surely some was raised here in Canada. I have a bit of money here that I can give Rick. I was planning on giving it to him when he gets here to see the new baby. Thanks for caring my friend.
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