Choosing To Stay

I have to be careful when I read what other people write or post, especially on social media. I tend to use it to shine a light on my own decisions and thinking, usually coming away feeling like I made a bad decision. Rarely do I come out well in this internal evaluation; I am far too critical of myself.

This morning my brother, Peter, posted about looking for work and whether or not he should move to Victoria or Kelowna, both places where there were opportunities. He also said that Calgary was out of the question. My niece, in a lengthy response, made a comment about being far from grandchildren. And then I thought about my own decision to stay here in Calgary. Maybe I made a mistake, especially when it comes to my grandchildren.

I can understand Peter's decision. He and his wife have children and grandchildren near them. To move to Calgary would put too great a distance between them. I liken it to the comment made by the Queen Mother during the Blitz of London. When asked why she didn't evacuate the princesses, she replied, "The children won't leave without me. I won't leave without the King. And the King is certainly not leaving."

We have these emotional entanglements which keep us in place, and often in a place. When I was diagnosed, I made my choice around medical care, financial support, social support, and even family support. My brother, Peter, was living here in Calgary at the time. Yet in making the decision to stay in Calgary, I lost my connection with my BC bound children and grandchildren. Kate has moved here, something for which I am truly grateful. But the others remain out on the coast, near to their Mom, to other family, to friends.

So I sat there, on my bed, looking out my window, thinking; once again second guessing my decision to stay. I'm not leaving now; I have too much here. Katherine is here. Kate is here. The financial and medical support I need is here. I have friends here. Torn between is enough to bring tears to my eyes, if I had enough strength to actually cry. Yet without the decision to stay, I would never have met Katherine.

Really, I am no different than Peter, or even the Queen Mother. I am tied to things here in Calgary, no matter what emotional bombs fall into my life. But that doesn't stop me from wondering. Did I make the right decision? I've made so many mistakes in my life. Is this just another one of those many? Yes, it was my choice, but it was not an easy one.