Friday, 28 October 2016

A Tired Spirit

I'm late in writing today. I was late in getting out of bed today; I stayed up late last night. I even cancelled my Home Care visit for today. This is not a problem with physical energy, although my level of physical energy is always low. This is a problem with emotional energy, psychological energy. This is a problem with my motivation, my willingness and desire to do anything. I'm getting really tired that way, really tired of trying to do, of not being able to do, of losing ability.

There are three different kinds of energy at play within me. The most obvious is my physical energy, sapping away as it is, collapsing under the physical strain of all the additional effort I am compelled to put into life because of ALS. Then there is my mental energy. I'm lucky in some ways that my mental energy, my intellect, my thoughts are still alive and bright. My brain is still alive and vibrant. Then there is my emotional energy, that combination of physical and mental which takes a real rollercoaster, me on board, for a wild up and down ride on a regular basis.

These last few weeks, and perhaps the last few months, my emotional energy has been failing me more and more. Last night, after Dan and Anisa went home, I transferred onto my couch using my sling, keeping the sling about me for a quick getaway when I was ready for bed. Then I sat there, able but unwilling to move. I just wanted to not move, to not put out the energy, no matter how slight, to go to bed, to get undressed, to make the transfers.

It's been like that several times lately, where I am trapped by inertia, an object at rest wanting to stay at rest. If I am alone, I don't want to make meals. If I am on the couch, I don't want to get off, not even to pee. If I am in bed, I want to stay there, comfortable, warm, not feeling the stress and pain of sitting in my wheelchair. Laying in bed is best; I want to do that more and more these days.

I don't know if this loss of emotional energy, this lack of motivation to do anything will continue. My hope is that the rollercoaster will go uphill soon, taking me out of this valley of shadows, lifting me sunwards, picking up my spirits along the way. For now I just have to accept that feeling down, really down, feeling tired in my spirit, is just another part of ALS.

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