Days Like Today

I'm finally out of bed. Actually I got out of bed a few hours ago to use the toilet. I took that opportunity to change my underwear and take my pills. Then, as soon as I stopped for a moment, I slumped back down on my bed and returned once again to sleep, or some semblance thereof. I was just tired, too tired to bother getting out of bed.

It's a struggle for me, getting past the whole "why bother" question. Today I have nothing scheduled; no appointments, no chores, no guests, no tasks. So there really is no need for me to get out of bed. I need nothing done. I need no food prepared. Home Care came in this morning and rather than let them get my up and dressed, I just asked for them to tidy the dishes and let me sleep.

Purpose in life is so important. Goals for each day are at the core of my own existence. I already feel like I have no purpose so much of the time. I try to make sure I have goals for any given day, but then I come across days like today where everything I need done is done, unless I create something artificially. I guess I could have gone across the street today and gotten the nosepad on my glasses fixed. I seems neither urgent nor important, so why bother? Once again, that question.

I'm alone so much. I spend so much time reading, looking out the window, watching TV; all activities which require little energy from me, either emotional or physical. I have more energy when I am around others, when there are people in my life. Yet I have so little reason to do anything social, much less the money to do it.

So today, staying in bed seemed like the best option. I did it for as long as I could. Soon I will return to bed, having restored much of the energy I lost on the weekend. Tomorrow I will have company for dinner, so I have a goal for the day, a reason to arise. Tomorrow will be different; at least I hope it will. I hate days like today.