Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Texas Condoms

I'm tired of peeing on myself. Please note, I did not say "peeing myself"; I said "peeing _on_ myself". It's an important distinction. I don't struggle with incontinence per se. I struggle with issues associated with lack of containment or misdirection of my urine stream. This struggle occurs in three different ways: leaking, shaking and what I call backwash or spillage.

Leaking is easy to deal with. It happens to most men my age. I finish going pee. Then, as I get ready to pack away the gear, my bladder gives me a little "late in the game" surprise. Usually I am ready for this, but on a regular basis this surprise comes after everything is tucked away, leaving me with a nice damp area that stays that way for a while.

The greater issue is what I call "advance leakage". This happens because I never really empty my bladder completely. I can't; it's part of life in the chair. So there is always a little something for my bladder to give up when I am least prepared for it. Sitting in the chair tends to squish that little bag of pee in my belly, most often compressing the outward bound passage so I don't notice the requirement. Then, when I move my body, most often by transfer, my bladder says "FREEDOM", and announces its quest for release by allowing what can either be a modest expression or a full blown stream. Either way, it's messy and annoying.

Then there is the shaking. This happens all the time, but is only a problem when I am not paying attention. You might think I really should pay attention when I pee. Then again, have you ever seen the men's washroom in a pub? We get easily distracted. I've even been know to fall asleep while laying in bed on my side, peeing into my jug. What mostly happens, though, is my hands shake and sometimes my aim goes awry. I miss the jug, inevitably hitting my pants and hands somehow.

The worst thing, however, is the spillage or backwash. This happens when I am seated in my Phoang chair, or my couch, or in the truck seat. In these chairs, the seating position sets my rear far lower than my front, meaning I have to pee uphill, not something easily accomplished at times. Worse than that, my jug has to point downhill. If the angle is not just perfect, the contents I put in happily run back out all over my pants. This happens fairly regularly. It's annoying as hell.

So I have decided to deal with this through something called an external male catheter, also known as a condom catheter, and even referred to, at times, as a Texas Condom. This is an external covering for the penis which drains into a bag or container. It is attached by way of adhesive and stays in place through most activities.

As you can guess, this would make long drives, sitting on the couch, or sitting in my Phoang chair much less of a urinary struggle. It would mean cleaner, dryer pants for longer periods of time. In general, it's a win for me. The problem is that men's penises, like women's breasts, are all different sizes. Therefore, before you purchase this item you must be measured to ensure a proper fit. Women are used to this process; they buy bras. Men are not used to this process. In fact most of us are rather frightened about measurements. They lead to competition and someone else is always bigger. We are forever insecure about our hidden asset.

What's more, there is a specific device for this measurement, a cardboard template if you will, with various semi-circular sizes cut into it. The object is to see which one is your size. The supplier mailed me five of these things. Did they perhaps think I was going to make this some kind of competition with four of my best friends sitting around measuring ourselves to see who really is the biggest?

On top of quantity, there is the very sensitively worded note from someone whose name is illegible. It says, and I quote exactly, "Please use this to measure, and let us know what size you need." What am I supposed to measure? Is there a specific spot? Penises can change size and shape depending on temperature, relaxation, and, er, stimulation levels. I am pretty sure I can figure this out, but this is an area where some degree of direction might be in order.

Finally there is the act of measuring. You see, when I sit in my chair all of the important parts are neatly squished away, making the object in question difficult to extract to any reasonable position for measurement. If I attempt to measure while laying down, I find myself unable to lift my head or body well enough to see the actual device making it difficult to position and read.

If I were healthy and had legs that worked, I would simply stand up, grab the member in question, and measure. I can't do that. I'm not yet sure what I will do, but I could use a hand, preferably a female hand. I'm not going to ask any of my male friends to do this; that's just wierd. Nor is this a measurement I want my HCA, Micheal, to be doing. He's black, and that puts me at a disadvantage immediately. He see me naked already; I don't need to make things worse.

I'll have to work this out. Volunteers, perhaps?


  1. In this day and age, that "Black" comment will get the PC police after you quickly. I think it's funny as hell and I agree. You (and me) would be at a disadvantage. It's not politically incorrect, it's nature :)

    1. So why can Micheal refer to me as white while I cannot refer to him as black? Foolish. On the other hand, Katherine is Chinese but I would never refer to her as yellow. Hmmmm. Interesting discussion topic.

    2. I don't think it's the "black" so much as the racial profiling for their bigger... well you know. It's not always true, and that's what people are sensitive about. Painting everyone with the same brush.