Wearing Depends

I've finally given into the requirements of this damned disease in what I feel is one of the last battlements of my body. For the first time since I was a toddler, I am wearing a diaper. Okay, it's not actually a diaper. It is called a Depend "FIT-FLEX Underwear for Men". The real irony in the naming and packaging is the claim of "Maximum Absorbency". Who the hell would buy anything less? Who would go into the store and say "I want less absorbency. That way they leak faster."

In fact today I am wearing the continence equivalent of a belt and suspenders. I have a catheter attached and I am wearing a pair of these accursed undergarments as well. This whole step feels like a losing battle in this conspiracy of illness. Even so, I am untrusting of the effectiveness of this coverage. I am still concerned that there will be leakage, an incident, a miss in the hit and miss game of going pee.

I don't actually suffer from incontinence per se. I struggle with inconvenience. For example, I cannot pee all that well sitting upright anymore. I pretty much have to lay down and aim for the jug in order to fully empty my bladder. The change in my muscular structure mid-body means I cannot hold my stomach or diaphragm in place to provide a clear path for emptying. The bulk in my core just lays there atop my bladder, squishing it closed rather than forcing it open. Laying down takes that pressure off, relaxing me enough that passage occurs.

Inevitably though, there is the "male over 60" issue of that remaining last bit, and it forever bedevils me as I lay there waiting. Or things get started before I can get into position, laying down, jug in hand. This is especially true when I am asleep, meaning nights can be damp. Depends may help, but the issue is not incontinence. Once again, it is the inconvenience of the process for someone who is losing critical core muscle control.

At the end, it seems I will become as a child again, forced to wear a diaper at night, and sometimes even during the day. I will need to change myself every morning, setting myself up for success or failure as the day dictates. Of course, there is more to my morning process now, making dressing a longer and more tiring activity. That extra bit of exhaustion leads to more of an urge to pee, at a time when I am most likely only half dressed. From now on, first will come the diaper, then will come the rest of getting dressed. But then I will have to undress to change my diaper, because the activity and exhaustion of the morning will cause me to pee. It's all a nasty conspiracy to destroy my self-esteem and self-confidence.

I hate these damned things. I hate this damned disease.