Monday, 4 February 2013

I'm Frightened

Last night was rough. I had trouble getting to sleep and then I awoke at 4:39 AM filled with worry and dread. I laid in bed thinking about what is happening to me. If that is not frightening enough, I begin to think about what will happen to me. I think about the future. I worry about who will take care of me. I worry about my financial situation. How long will my money last? Who will care for me? Where will I live? How will I live?

If anything makes me think about suicide, it is the fear of ending my days in poverty with no place to live and nobody caring for me. I don't want to live in misery, in poverty, in fear. I don't want to be alone, uncared for, stuffed into an institution waiting to die. If that is what my future looks like, I want to end it earlier rather than later.

Had I the time, I would have taken the money from my divorce and bought another home. Had I the time, I would have worked and saved and built my resources back up. It's not fair; I simply don't have the time to make it back. My family is not wealthy; there is nobody out there with the money needed to help me get a home, to help me make that home suitable for myself. There is nobody out there with the resources and devotion to help me live the end of my life in peace and modest comfort. I was supposed to do this for myself but I am running out of time.

This is the real terror of my situation, not that I will die alone and broke, but that I will live that way. I don't want to end my days in a care home where the staff don't give a damn about me. Let's face it, most of these places are just institutions for warehousing the forgotten amonst us. They are mailslots for the lost parcels, those amongst us with no place to go, no family to care for them or inadequate resources.

I am not Stephen Hawking. I don't have money. I am not the celebrated smartest man on earth. I am a working stiff, a guy who gets up every day and does his job. I am the guy that nobody erects monuments to, no pillars to mark my passing. I am just a regular joe with regular resources. I get up, I go to work, I get paid. I live, and then I die.

Dying is easy. Living scares the hell out of me.


  1. Oh God honey, We'll look after you and if you have to go into care we'll come and visit you everyday. I know it is extremely frightening and I cannot help you overcome that fear. I love you and will not let you die alone or live without support. We are not rich but there must be services for you . Not everyone who had ALS is well off. Don't worry too much about the future, it is the present you need to think about it. Please have a better day than the night you had. It oo lay awake thinkging about what will happen to you and it is devastating to both of us but you are the one who has to go through this. If I can help in anyway let me know. Ask !
    Love you

  2. Richard, I don't know your family except for your mom. I know beyond any doubt that she is there for you. She will never let you be alone. SHE IS YOUR MOM!

  3. You will never be alone. We are all here for you ... we are all God's children. The world is one big family. So, don't you worry.