Selfishness

A couple of people have suggested to me lately that I should consider my own wants and needs more than anything else these days, that I should become a bit selfish. Their sense of things is that, given the short time I have left in my life, I should seek to fulfill myself first and not worry too much about the needs of others, that I should look to what I want first and worry about the rest after that.

It's not really in my nature to do this. Oddly enough I find myself still driven by my basic sense of responsibility to the people around me. I am still concerned about the impact I have on others. It's not perfect, but it is definitely still there. Perhaps what they are saying to me is that I need to focus on myself and what will make me happy for the rest of my life. What I think they are saying is that I should consider myself first.

Some would contend I have already done that in leaving my marriage and setting myself up here in Calgary. Some would contend that I am only thinking of myself in some of my financial actions lately, such as spending thousands of dollars on modifications to my truck just so I can drive for another year or perhaps even less. Some would contend that spending all my capital, and leaving none for my children, is selfish. They would be right, I am thinking of myself.

On the other hand, given that I have less than 36 months of life expectancy, perhaps I should focus on the things that make those months really worthwhile. Perhaps I should focus on distracting myself from a bleak future and enabling myself to focus on one good day at a time. Even one day of continued freedom and independence is worth all that I might spend on modifying my truck. The future is for those who plan to live in it; all I have is the present.

As of now I am going to try to stop feeling badly about spending on something simply because I want it. As of now I am going to do my best to do what I want to do without feeling like I need someone else to approve, without feeling like I am I doing something bad by doing something for myself. A lifetime of habit will be hard to break.

Maybe this is a good time to get selfish in my life after all. Now if I could only figure out what I really want to do. Mostly what I want to do is go to work, do my job, live my life, enjoy my friends, and be happy. I want to continue to be a good father and perhaps even a good grandfather if time and circumstance permits. I enjoy doing for others, giving to others, helping others.

I want to be a person others will respect, love, and like. If that's selfish, paint me that.