This One's For Me

I spend a lot of time thinking about what lessons my children will draw for what is going on with me. There are a lot of possibilities. They might look at my situation and conclude that I left my wife and got ALS so it's my punishment for leaving. They might look at it and say I got out for at least a bit of happiness before the end of my life. Some of them have already decided I am the bad guy; those with more distance see issues on both sides. They see me as the one who caused the marriage to fail; I am fairly certain that none of them understand the pain that I have endured.

Recently I found out that my ex-wife has expressed a concern that if my children spend too much time with me I might turn them against her. I wonder what guilt drives that woman's thinking, what fear makes her feel someone might turn her children against her. It's not a good thing. It's a funny concern when viewed in the light of my actions. My son recently chewed me out for reminding him that he should be sure to call his Mother on her birthday. He tells me he talks to her often on Facebook and that is a good thing. Children should talk to their parents; someday they won't be there to answer the call.

The horns of my petard have hoisted me in other ways around this. I find myself on a regular basis encouraging my son, and those daughters who will speak with me, to have a good relationship with their Mother. My logic in this is plain and simple; I am going to die and all they will have is their Mother. They need to keep that relationship.

On the other hand I will not, nor can I, hide her actions from them. My ex-wife's approach to our divorce has been a bit of a scorched-earth policy, a take no prisoners approach, especially around the financial aspect of things. This reflects her behaviour in our marriage. Money was pretty much always the most important thing to her in all things. I was not. I did not come second, or third, or fourth. In fact I am fairly sure I didn't even make her nightly Top Ten list.

A couple of my children have told me "I don't like her lawyer", as if the actions of the lawyer were completely independent of the client. What they don't realize is that lawyers simply act on instructions from their client. The lawyer may proffer advice and direction but in the end, the client must say "yes, do that". Her lawyer has a reputation for excessive demands and outrageous approaches; clearly someone had to say yes to some of the more insane demands and letters I have received  My ex-wife chose a psychotic pitbull on purpose. The "delay until he dies" strategy is intentional. My children don't want to see this; they simply do not want to see their Mom as doing anything that might be harsh or cruel. Why would they? It won't help them.

So, on a regular basis, I find myself in the odd position of saying to my children "Don't judge your Mom too harshly" or of simply holding my tongue. I find myself in the predicament of encouraging them in their relationship with their mother, ensuring they spend time with her, go to see her, talk to her. Yet I know in doing that I will be portrayed in that conversation as the bad guy. I send them in with as much positivity as I can possibly muster knowing full well that the resulting interaction will not be good for their view of me.

This blog is a notable exception. This one is for me.