Dad Days

I have so little to say today. There simply isn't that much of interest in my life right now. It's all more of the same; if you have read any other post in my blog, you will quickly discover what that means.

Today is just one of those days, those days when I wonder what there really is to do with myself. Of course I have my Home Care exercises and my blog and some chores, but really, those aren't all that much. I mean, would the home care worker really be upset if I cancelled for today? I think not. Would it mean much if I skipped my blog for today? Not really. And those chores that I have can wait for another day; they always do.

That's a problem with my life in general these days, the overall sense of a lack of purpose. I am simply waiting around as this disease takes is toll on me. I'm waiting, hoping, for the next good day, but expecting and planning to feel just as bad tomorrow as I did this morning. I don't feel like I contribute anymore, like I have any value other than, well, just being me within my family and friends. And there are a great many days when I doubt the value of even that.

It's easy to say "find something to focus on" or "volunteer somewhere" or some such thing. The problem is that I simply don't have the energy for this. If I have any energy, I want to use it doing something meaningful to me. The problem is that so little has meaning to me these days, as I sit around waiting for things to get worse.

Christmas is coming. So are my children. If you were to ask the most meaningful thing in my life, it would have been my role as a husband and father. I loved, and still love, being a Dad. Come Christmas, I will once again be inundated with Dad things, surrounded by my children and grandchildren. Those days will be meaningful to me. Those days it will be worth the effort of getting up and getting dressed. Those days will be of interest.