Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Another Strange Dream

I had one of those very strange dreams last night, the kind of dream where odd things happen, where the players in the dream are from your life, where activities take place which make no sense. My ex-wife was in the dream, along with one of my children, still very young. A man and wife I knew from Abbotsford, people I had never met, even John Wayne made an appearance. It was all very strange.

One thing was not all that strange. In the dream, I was in the wheelchair. It wasn't a full time commitment; I didn't need the wheelchair for a part of the dream, especially the part where John Wayne was leading an air bombing campaign of the nearby aboriginal community. Yet towards the end of the dream, after the bombing was compete, I felt panic in the dream, a panic to find my wheelchair. It's been long enough that even in my dreams I now need the chair; I am a master in the chair, strong and powerful, but I needed the chair.

Another odd thing in this dream was that I could not identify where I lived. I didn't live in Abbotsford. I didn't live in Vancouver, or Port Coquitlam; Calgary didn't even occur to me in the dream. I didn't live anywhere which I could remember. This feeling of not knowing where I lived was so strong that when I woke, I needed to remind myself of where I was, where I lived. I had to shake off this very real feeling that I had another apartment in some other city somewhere, and the rent was due.

Some of the parts of this dream make sense. I am still dealing with anger at my ex-wife; I am still very frustrated that she has such easy access to our grandchildren while I do not. On the other hand I must constantly remind myself that I am the one who moved to Calgary, that I am the one who chose to stay here once diagnosed. I was in the middle of the divorce at that time and it just seemed wiser to keep that distance between myself and my ex-wife, plus I had such a great support network here. ALS kept me here too.

Perhaps the whole question of where I truly live is part of that Calgary issue from the dream. My heart is constantly in both places, here with Katherine, my daughter Kate, and so many friends and caregivers, or there, in BC, with my other children, with my Mom, with my brothers who live there, with my life long friends. I love my life here in Calgary; it saddens me deeply that I cannot see my other children and my grandchildren more often.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, it's simply another one of those really strange, inexplicable dreams which we all have now and again. Maybe it was the beer last night; maybe it was the snacks before bed, maybe it was something in the water. Who knows?

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