Thursday, 10 December 2015

Depression and Suicide

I've been thinking more about my visit to the ALS clinic yesterday. One of the sessions was with the clinic's Social Worker. It was more of a counseling session this time rather than any discussions about finances, AISH, or other social services. The bulk of discussion focused on depression and suicidal thinking.

It should come as no surprise that I struggle with depression. I'm terminally ill with a devastating disease; that would depress the hell out of almost anyone. It's no surprise that I think about suicide; I'm going to have to deal with the end of my own life fairly soon, at least that's how it looks. I will need something in place. Thinking about is just what happens.

I don't think of it as suicide. I think of it as end of life planning. Yes, I will likely have to take some sort of action to end my life, unless something happens which takes that action for me. However this is not the act of some angst ridden twenty-something, nor the action of someone struggling desperately with clinical depression or schizophrenic voices. This is the logical action of a person dealing with a perpetually declining physical disablement.

I regularly wake up, or have moments in the day, or go to bed asking myself why the hell I am still fighting this disease, why on earth I want to keep going. Yet I do keep going. It depresses me sometimes, plenty of times, when I contemplate what I have to do to keep going, what will happen if I keep going. Yet I keep going. I think about how much easier it would be if I just finished it all. Yet I keep going.

There is a lot of difference between thinking about suicide and actually doing it. There is a lot of difference between being depressed and clinical depression. There is a lot of difference between wishing I would die in my sleep and actually taking action to cause my death in my sleep. The simple fact of the matter is that I am ready to go, willing to go, but not wanting to go.

I'll be here for a while yet.


  1. So well said richard thankyou

  2. Richard,
    Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
    Because their words had forked no lightning they
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    And you, my father, there on the sad height,
    Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
    © by owner. Added by volunteers for educational purposes and provided at no charge. Dmca

    DT's father was going blind when DT wrote this poem. The dying of the light is a reference to darkness and being blind.
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    Like = 5 stars. Why?
    Issa cutie14 : This poem is wonderful keep it up enjoyed reading this poem thanks for sharing

    Kat Alley : Great

    Ice-reflection : I still remember being made to read this in high school and analyze it. Now that I'm older it reads so differently than it did back then. It's funny how that happens as our tastes and intellect develop, isn't it?

    Akshay Tiwari : Title / intro is: Inspirational!

    Butterfly kiss : Enjoyed it This has always been one of my very favorite poems as it should be a classic you can still read it today and use it in many ways. I loved his writing. A clever but hearfelt poet was he. with love Deborah l Wagoner

    Giles Denmark : Enjoyed it. I love his richness of words - i am tired tonight - but will come back to it - you can hear him reciting it

    OceanRose : I love everything captured in this poem. I love how he wrote it for his father, turning something sad into a beautiful inspiration. And the metaphor! Oh. This is one of my favorite pieces of poetry ever, I believe. 'Do not go gentle into that night.' I love this. Live your life to the fullest and never back down. That's what it says to me. Wonderful work.

    Sarah Evans : I wonder if this poem made any difference to the way his father coped with going blind?

    himanshu singla : w

    ocerus : maybe he was thinking of Bob Dylan? But you're right. In a teacher this type of mistake is grave.


  3. Bruce Kramer (PALS) Sets his Sights on a 'Good Death':

  4. Bruce Kramer (PALS) Sets his Sights on a 'Good Death':