No Tears Today

I'm not sure what's worse, the physical weight of this disease or the emotional weight. While my body is wasting, it's only my body that suffers. The emotions, on the other hand, are felt far and wide, by those close to me and by those distant in both relationship and space. I can handle my own emotions most of the time; it's the emotions of others, those I love, like Katherine, which are hard for me.

There has been a substantial decline in my torso and arms over the last few months. It seems to have started when I came down with a Urinary Tract Infection which put me in hospital. Last night, while laying in bed talking, the subject of my inability within this context became part of the discussion. Katherine said "You're tired. Go to sleep." I replied, "I'm going to be tired for the rest of my life. I need you to help me here, to take more initiative in helping me deal with this."

Katherine started to cry. The tears were not that I had asked her to do more; she is constantly doing more in every way. The tears were for the realization that my condition had worsened, and is worsening. Her tears were for the inevitable. It will be hard enough for her to be with me as I go through this time of progression. It will be even harder when I hit the sudden stop at the bottom.

There are others who face this dilemma, facing the reality of loss in the here and now, the inevitability of where this loss takes me next. Oddly enough, I am mostly okay with this. It's the emotions which this reality creates in those I love that bothers me the most. I hate to see Katherine cry. I hate to hear the distress in my Mom's voice, the resignation in the voices of my family.

This morning I asked Katherine to think of all the good things which would happen today, all of the nice things which were going on in our lives. She is having a fellowship time with a baptismal candidate from her church. I am going to meet Kate's boyfriend and his three sons. I get to cook them dinner; BBQ Ribs and Beans, sausages, Spanish Rice, and Bean Salad. We both have time this evening to spend with others, knowing that we will have tomorrow.

While there is plenty of sadness in my situation to go around, we need to remember that there are plenty of joyful moments in this day, in every day. There will be a time for tears; it is not today.