Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Pillar To Post

It's funny, or not so funny, how this disease can go from pillar to post in such a short time. Yesterday I felt terrible, in pain, tired, unhappy. Katherine and I did some errands after dinner, When we came back she helped me hang pictures, and then I went to bed. I read in bed for a couple of hours, then finally fell asleep, sore shoulder and all.

This morning I woke up feeling great. I felt almost enthused to be up and about. I'm in a good mood, the pain is mostly gone, I feel like I'm ready to live, to attack my life. I'm not any stronger; in fact my shoulder and right side has undergone a definite change. Yet I expect these changes. I'm not surprised. I just feel good today, for no apparent reason.

That's the thing with my life in general. I can go from having a good day to having a bad day in almost no time at all. It's as if I was forever on the tipping point, one day thinking life could be long, and good. The other day wishing this was all over, wishing this disease would just hurry up and get it over with.

I did find myself having an interesting thought yesterday. Even though I was doing very badly, I found myself thinking that I could go a long way into the end stage of this disease with Katherine at my side. She really does make a big difference in my will to live, in my quality of life. I found myself contemplating life with limited movement, as long as she was at my side. I actually didn't mind that thought.

You draw a line in the sand with this kind of a disease, a line you feel you won't cross. Then something changes, and the line moves. Something happens and you want to live even longer. On the other hand, some changes bring the line closer, forcing you to contemplate that which you do not want to see. The end of my life is a moving target, just at a closer range than most, and with a higher degree of certainty. Today that line looks distant. Yesterday it looked a lot closer. Pillar to post.

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