I Judge Myself

I have my air conditioner running here in my apartment. This small apartment gets very warm, even in the coldest part of winter, heated, as it is, on five of it's six sides, with the sixth side exposed to the morning and afternoon sun. Often it will be below freezing outside and we will open the patio door if we have more than a couple of people visiting.

Yesterday, today, and for the rest of this week we will have hot weather, at least hot for Calgary. It is 24C outside right now. Tomorrow will top out at 27C and the rest of the week will be even hotter. Last night I set the A/C on and let it run all night. Today my apartment is nice and cool, even a bit chilly to tell the truth. Just now, in the paragraph break, I switched the A/C off, turned on the fan and opened the patio door. We've reached the peak temperature, and, more importantly, the sun is past the point where it is heating things up in here.

The real reason for turning off the A/C is the cost. I find myself in a place where I need to decide if I want to spend the money on electricity for A/C, or if I want to use it for something else. You might say to yourself "it's only a few bucks", and you would be right. Unfortunately I find myself in a place these days where a few bucks can make a big difference.

I never thought I would find myself in this place. I've always done a pretty good job in looking after myself, my family, those around me. I've always managed to make the money when I needed it, having it around not just for necessities, but for those special things too. Now I find myself truly wondering if I really need to be this cool. Perhaps hot, with a few extra bucks at the end of the month, is not such a bad thing.

This is a pretty bad place for me. I feel like such a loser, unable to make my debts or care for myself. I feel like I have failed at life, like I must have really screwed up to get here. I know that this is not true, or at least I can tell myself this is not true. I know that ALS has destroyed my life. Yet somehow I feel like I could have done better, perhaps could have worked harder. I judge myself and find myself wanting.