It Sucks To Be Me

I was sitting in front of the elevator the other day, sitting in the hall, sitting in my wheelchair. I hadn't pushed the button. I had gone somewhere, but I am not sure where I went. As I sat there, my mind vacant for the merest of moments, this wave of sadness washed over me, flooding my emotions with sorrow and despair. It was palpable, physical. It weighed, as if someone had soaked a blanket in my own tears, then laid that blanket across my shoulders.

I was feeling grief for my losses. I was feeling sorry for myself. This, however, was not the self-pity and indulgent feeling sorry, it's more like sorrow than sorry. This was more of a grief stricken feeling, a feeling of complete loss. I wanted to cry, but I could not. It seems my tears have all left me of late. I have not cried for some time. Perhaps I need to, but I cannot.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. It happens on a regular basis, regardless of what else is going on in my life, good or bad. It happens almost every time I allow my mind to go vacant, to wander off somewhere without control or focus. The feeling the other day was stronger than most, but it was a familiar feeling, something I knew and will know again.

I am pretty sure I understand why this happens. It happens because my mind is empty of active thought. When that happens, my background emotions take over, and they, pretty much, are but one these days. What I feel the most is sorrow and grief. This background base emotion is what fills in the blank spaces of my psyche when nothing else is active. My foreground emotions are still there, the feelings of happiness with my life, the feelings of excitement and joy. I still feel those things. But I know for sure that my fallback emotion will be, until this is all over, sorrow and grief.

There's not much I can do about this. It is what it is. I wish I could cry or do something to offload these feelings. But I cannot. I'm stuck with them, just like I am stuck with ALS. It really does suck to be me.