Monday, 22 August 2016

Another Bad Night

I'm tired today. I did not sleep well last night, and thanks to a broken dryer in the laundry room, my laundry didn't finish in the dryer until 12:30 AM. So I had a short night, and a bad night. Of course, I shouldn't complain. I got 9 hours of sleep for sure, and when my Home Care Aide came this morning, she spent her first hour cleaning instead of getting me up. That meant another hour of sleep for me, or at least rest; I didn't actually sleep that last hour.

Exhaustion is just a part of the deal with ALS. I don't know how other PALS do it. For me, it's just more sleep. Yet no matter how much sleep I get, I am still tired all the time. I've experimented, trying a variety of sleep times and patterns. I've gone to bed early. I've stayed up late. I've slept 16 hours at a stretch. I've slept 8 hours and then had a nap in the afternoon. It seems no matter what I do, I get to be tired all the time.

This is especially challenging when going through a difficult stretch in your life, as I have been for the last couple of weeks. Relationship changes are hard, no matter how they work out, and that emotional effort is as exhausting as physical work for me. I am adjusting, working at life as it is for me now. That adjustment means I need more rest, more sleep than whatever the hell normal is for me.

The other challenge with constant exhaustion is depression. I'm not sure if I am tired because I am depressed, or depressed because I am tired. Either way, I don't have a lot of energy and I don't see a lot for me to be energetic about. Let's see. I'm not eating well. I'm not sleeping well. I'm struggling with being interested in anything. That might look like depression to you. To me it just looks like another day with ALS. I hate this fucking disease. It's an awful way to live, and a terrible way to die.

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