Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Twists Of Not Popcorn

Today's blog post is brought to you by the letters "R" for Richard, I" for is, and "S" for stupid. I admit freely and openly that all I am about to describe in the following sentences, or portions thereof, is my own doing, a self-inflicted wound, a crime against myself for which today I am paying the punishment. And by today, I mean since around 4:00 AM this morning.

I will admit that there are areas in my life where I completely lack self-control. Some would say a great many areas. Let them have their foolish opinion and lightly veiled jealousy. I, with a great deal of modesty, suggest that there are just a few areas like this, wherein I enter abandoning behind me all pretense of common sense and self-limitation. Last night I happily galloped, full tilt, into one of those areas. Popcorn Twists.

Last night I was watching a series of documentaries about British commandos during the Second World War. It was fascinating, reminding me of one of my favourite actors, Christopher Lee. In his lifetime he played a great many movie roles, including Count Dukoo in Star Wars, and Sauruman in Lord of the Rings. Peter Jackson, the director of the Lord of the Rings trilogy was trying to tell Christopher Lee what to do when he got stabbed in the back. Christopher Lee replied "Have you any idea what kind of noise happens when somebody's stabbed in the back? Because I do." Besides acting like a badass in movies, he was also a badass commando in the Second World War, charged with hunting down, interrogating, and turning over Nazis to local officials. Apparently it did not end well for some of his captives.

While watching this truly engaging documentary series, I decided to engage in my own battle with a large bag of Popcorn Twists. In my defense, this was not the Family Size bag, but your ordinary, run of the mill large bag of doom. I attacked, opening the bag with Christopher Lee dexterity and power. I dove into my battle, downing those twisted pieces of fatty, popcorn tasting goodness. By the way, there is no actual "popcorn" in popcorn twists. Read the ingredients next time you feel tempted by this fatty funfest. Cornmeal, salt, and vegetable oil. That is all.

I demolished the bag, watched my Netflix series, and to top it all off, had a couple of Rum and Cokes, not too many because I had homecare coming this morning. And then I went to bed, satisfied that I had won the battle of the bag, destroying all those nasty popcorn-less popcorn twists. I slept, my belly bloated with victory. Until about 4:00 AM. That's when the popcorn twists rose from the depths of my belly to fight their denouement. They started with simple gas attacks, moved towards stomach cramping, and made their final attack in a threat to regurgitate themselves from within me.

I slept poorly, bucket beside me. The combination of cornmeal, salt, vegetable oil and sugar from the Coke molded itself into a solidified lump within me, periodically attempting another escape from the prison of my stomach, pushing bile ahead of itself as a warning to all who might resist. When my HCA arrived at 10:30 this morning I wasn't really all that tired, but my belly continued to reflect my poor judgement from the night before.

I went to the toilet... three times. All told I spend almost 45 minutes sitting over the porcelain throne of justice, attempting to expel all that which was within me. I did well, but not well enough. It still hurt. I had my shower and returned to my bedroom where my HCA helped me with powders and ointments, then handed me my clothes. During the motions of dressing, I realized that too much of this would only aide the enemy within me. There would be no exercises today.

My HCA went home. I returned to a prone position where, if needed, I could grab my bucket quickly. I remained thus prone until just a few moments ago, when I needed to use the bathroom once again. I am now sitting in my wheelchair, my stomach still punishing me for those damned salty goodies called Popcorn Twists which have no popcorn in them. I will live. I will fight another day. However I doubt I will engage those twists in battle again. I have defeated that demon, bested that beast. All I have to do is get through the rest of the day without puking.


  1. Hard way to learn a lesson! Never heard of popcorn twists down in this area.

  2. I'm sorry but I'm crying with laughter!! I feel sorry for you but you're sure a fabulous writer!!

  3. I think of Dracula Has Risen from the Grave by Hammer with Christopher Lee. Lush Gothic scenery.

  4. Caramel corn or Cracker Jack and Jack and Coke.