Friday, 19 August 2016

Never Again

Last night was what I might call one of those "nights of discovery". I was in my power chair, having been out and about during the day. I had just finished writing my blog when I felt a disturbance in the force, centered somewhere just below my navel. I felt this seething pressure, slowly rising as a single mass within me, warning me of something about to come. I know from experience that when this kind of thing happens, time is of the essences, and farting is verboten.

As all of these thoughts came together in my mind, I suddenly realized I was in my PWC. In order to get onto the toilet, I could not be in my PWC. It's too high. I could, if needed, fall out of the PWC and onto the toilet. But once down there, getting back up would be an impossibility. So I would have to do what I would have to do, and make the transfer to my manual chair.

Quickly I sped to the transfer point. I flung off my seatbelt, adjusted my footpads, rolled up my manual chair and went to put my transfer board in place. Now, putting the transfer board in place requires that I slide it under one cheek of my rear end. That means rolling slightly to the side, creating a gap between said cheeks, and sliding in the board. It also means releasing control over the muscles that were holding in that Death Star which had announced its intent to release itself. Let the games begin!

The cheek movement had the expected effect. I could feel substantial moisture beneath me as I quickly made the transfer and headed for the toilet. Now I had to do another transfer, once again the shift loosening muscles, allowing my body to release the hounds, howling and snarling as they smelled victory. All I could smell was defeat.

Without going into great detail, it was a mess. After finally getting into position and finishing what was left of the semi-liquid mass exodus from my body's nether region, I cleaned myself up. I cleaned my clothes. I cleaned the toilet. I cleaned the floor. And then I turned to flush. It was there I saw it, leering back at me, undigested, laughing at how it had gained its ultimate revenge, it's final destruction of my dignity. It was a Popcorn Twist. I flushed, and as I did so the two words which I shall carry with me forever whispered across my lips. "Never again. Never again."

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