I'm Looking For Work

I started looking for work yesterday, something I could do from home, something I could do on my own schedule, something I could do without too much pressure. My first thought was to look at writing jobs, in particular report writing and editing. There actually is work like that, much of it done from home. I thought this kind of thing would be good for me.

Before going further, I should explain why I left work three and a half years ago. I was diagnosed in November, in the midst of a fairly rapid slide, losing my legs. This was a fairly traumatic time, but I got over it. Nonetheless it affected my work, and the people working with me. There was a lot of emotion involved, along with a lot of stress. I began to notice the impact of all of this on my ability to work, my ability to do good work, and how I impacted my co-workers.

After considering all the factors, I submitted my resignation. I simply did not feel my employer was getting good value from my work, nor did I believe it was helping me all that much. At the time my condition was deteriorating quickly; I was losing about one FRS point a month, right on track with an expected lifetime of 36 months. I planned a budget with an expected expiry of fall of 2015, on target with my expiry date. I got rid of most of the stress in my life, especially once I finally settled my divorce, and went on to live as much and as best I could in the time I had left.

Now, well past my expiry date, I find myself running consistently about $400 - $600 short each month. I've been making up this shortfall by not making my condo fee payments, by running up my credit cards, and by begging from friends and family. It's not elegant, nor sustainable. So I started looking for something where I could use my writing skills, my career experience, and technology skills, my PM skills, and my life experience.

I was fine while reading the posted requirements for some of these jobs, then I started noticing some of the statements in the details. "Must be able to work under pressure." "Must be able to meet tight timelines." All of a sudden, for the first time in a great many months, I started to have a panic attack. My stomach got all queasy. My hands started shaking, even worse than normal. My mind started racing with thoughts of conflict and failure. I came up with a thousand reasons why I couldn't do this.

So I set it aside, after all of 15 minutes of reading job ads. I'll try again today; maybe the panic attack will be less severe. I'll read more job ads. I'll look at other opportunities. My only problem is dealing with the stress. I feel confident I can conquer it. I just don't know what it will do to my health. That scares me a bit. Still, there are a lot of people who put their health at risk for their work. Why should I be any different? I need the money, just like them.