Fat Reserves

My lack of desire for cooking continues. It's been like this for a few days now, perhaps since about a week ago. I don't feel like cooking, and I don't feel like eating. I've been surviving on prepared foods and leftovers. Now all the leftovers are gone, nothing in my freezer. I have the ingredients for Bolognese Sauce for spaghetti on the counter and in the fridge. I have meatballs as well, ready to go. I know I won't make it tonight. I don't feel up to it.

That's the way it goes with so many things for PALS. First we lose the energy to do something, then we lose the ability. That goes for using my legs, using my arms, and eventually using my mouth. First it will take so much energy to do it that I will do it less and less, and finally I will not be able to do it at all.

I know that a part of this is depression. Part of it is effort too, the effort of cooking and the effort of eating. It might be easier for me to go across to the mall and get a burger at the food court, or perhaps something else. Yet even that requires energy. I will have to transfer to my PWC, go and get the food, then come back and transfer out of my PWC. It's tiring for an already tired body.

Fortunately Kate is coming for dinner tomorrow. I will be forced to make something; she will offer to do the cooking but I need to do it for myself. It's odd to think of forcing myself to do something which was once such an integral part of my daily activity. It's happened before though, where I would have to make myself expend the energy, for example, to go for a walk or climb a set of stairs. Eventually I just stopped, and then I couldn't do it at all.

I'll cook tomorrow. Tonight, I'm not sure. I have plenty of stored fat reserves. Perhaps this is how I start using them up.