One More Time, Every Time

This is the last day of my visit here at Mom and Ray's. It's been good. Mom and Ray ask nothing of me, place no expectations on me. I am here, and that's all that matters to my Mom. I know she wants me to be here more often, I know she is sad when I go. Ray is so good to us all and he takes such good care of my Mom. This is a good place to visit.

Given what has happened recently, with the death of my ex-brother-in-law, I am mindful this week of the "last visit" syndrome. I already deal with this in my own life, with the possibility that each and every thing I do might be the last time I do it. I am more aware on this trip that this might be the last time I see my Mom and Ray, the last time I can make this trip to the coast. I dismiss that thought quickly, but it is there.

I wonder if my kids or friends here in BC think about that. Do they wonder, these children of mine, if this might be their last opportunity to see me alive? When they visit, I seem so full of life, so positive. Once I am back in Calgary, the distance is so great that it is easy to put me aside, but for the reading of this blog. To them, I must seem strong, almost unchanged, as if I can go on for years yet. To those who see me daily or weekly, like Kate and so many of my friends, they see those moments where my energy has lapsed, where I am truly weakened.

On my part, I am constantly aware that this might be my last chance to say "I love you", certainly my last chance to say it in person, the last chance for a hug, the last chance to hold a grandchild on my lap. ALS is moving along in me in a sufficient pace to make me wonder about how I will be in three months, if I will have the strength to keep going. Some days it certainly doesn't feel like it.

I could be a long time before I get to the coast again, if ever. This may be the last time I get to tell Mom and Ray how much I love them, how much I care about them. They, most certainly, are not coming to Calgary. It is as difficult for them to travel as it is for me. For my children, there are opportunities, as long as I can hold out. They can make the trip, if they can afford it. Ricky made it recently and I so appreciated it. As young parents, though, Meaghan and Mary face the challenges of packing for, and paying for, children to come along.

These barriers that come between us fall so rarely. These opportunities to visit come so rarely. There are simply not enough of them. I want more. I want to see my children and grandchildren, to say "I love you", at least one more time, every time.