Thursday, 1 September 2016


I got a phone call from a recruiter today. It still happens every once in a while. Before today, I've always told them my situation and that I was unable to work. This time I tried something different. I did tell the recruiter, first off, that I had ALS. I also told him that I got tired easy and would have to work with an organization which understood this challenge. I then said "But I am interested in hearing about what you have and what you are looking for."

The recruiter was very animated, seeming pleased that I was still looking for work despite my health challenges. He went on to describe the project, one which was right up my alley, one which I could do, and manage, very well. It was an infrastructure project to manage the migration of 53 servers from Windows Server 2003 to Windows Server 2012. It would pay about $90 an hour and was a scheduled 52 weeks of work. Unfortunately it was in Vancouver.

In reality, I suspect I would not do well with this project from a health perspective. Regardless of the idea of relocating back to Vancouver for a year, losing my medical team, undergoing the stress of moving, and losing my social circle, there is the issue of the risk of losing my disability benefits. Remember, if I make money I lose those benefits. And once I lose them it will be difficult and time consuming to get them back, something that is almost certain to happen as my disease progresses.

So having said so, I mentioned to the recruiter that I was in Calgary and would very much like to do "spot consulting", mentoring and advising, and report writing. He said he would contact his Calgary counterpart and arrange an introduction.

Then the anxiety set in, so bad that I thought I was going to vomit. The very idea of the stress and conflict associated with going back to work made my hands and arms start to shake, make my eyes tear up, made my heart race. I don't understand why the thought of doing something I so much want to do, of being productive, of making some money, should cause me so much stress. Even now, a couple of hours later, the shaking continues and my stomach is turning.

I hope the Calgary contact calls me. I just don't know how it will be if I am actually successful in getting a project. I'm not sure how much success I can take. Right now, without any, I am having enough trouble holding it together. I wonder what on earth has happened to me, that guy who once took on all comers, saw nothing as impossible, was willing to accept a challenge. He doesn't seem to be with me anymore.


  1. Being an ALS warrior IS a full time job, I suspect that's why. XO

  2. The great part is that you put yourself out there. Bravo!

    My ex once pointed out that everything in life we do is finite, and now it seems to me that until you realize that you will only travel to this place six more times in your life, or eat this particular favorite meal 129 more times in your life, or listen to this particular beloved song 3,386 more times, you'll not consider what you most treasure. (And by "you", I mean "anyone.")

    You're fortunate to have realized what you don't want to do, so (since you're ready to consider new options) why not imagine what may bring you joy that will be possible for all reasons?

    A dear pal with a serious brain tumor took on learning Spanish-- something she had always wanted to do-- despite short term memory issues.

    Hoping you take the leap, and will share more here.

  3. I used to be homeschooled until 3rd grade. I was very much a hermit homebody still somewhat am admittedly, but getting better. Then I went to school and camp and have been making small improvements ever since. I probably have a long way to go, but before if you were to talk to me, you would be lucky if you got a hi, I am so lucky I chose to go to school and camp and got an apartment, because without those I wouldn't have had the independence, life skills, and friends that I have. I have found the same thing applies to my blog, I'll admit,the sudden spike in ratings does bring back a little of that shy kid who never raised his hand and sat in the corner but you never know, this just might be the ticket. Remember sometimes you have to take a chance. You can do it!