Headhunters

I got a phone call from a recruiter today. It still happens every once in a while. Before today, I've always told them my situation and that I was unable to work. This time I tried something different. I did tell the recruiter, first off, that I had ALS. I also told him that I got tired easy and would have to work with an organization which understood this challenge. I then said "But I am interested in hearing about what you have and what you are looking for."

The recruiter was very animated, seeming pleased that I was still looking for work despite my health challenges. He went on to describe the project, one which was right up my alley, one which I could do, and manage, very well. It was an infrastructure project to manage the migration of 53 servers from Windows Server 2003 to Windows Server 2012. It would pay about $90 an hour and was a scheduled 52 weeks of work. Unfortunately it was in Vancouver.

In reality, I suspect I would not do well with this project from a health perspective. Regardless of the idea of relocating back to Vancouver for a year, losing my medical team, undergoing the stress of moving, and losing my social circle, there is the issue of the risk of losing my disability benefits. Remember, if I make money I lose those benefits. And once I lose them it will be difficult and time consuming to get them back, something that is almost certain to happen as my disease progresses.

So having said so, I mentioned to the recruiter that I was in Calgary and would very much like to do "spot consulting", mentoring and advising, and report writing. He said he would contact his Calgary counterpart and arrange an introduction.

Then the anxiety set in, so bad that I thought I was going to vomit. The very idea of the stress and conflict associated with going back to work made my hands and arms start to shake, make my eyes tear up, made my heart race. I don't understand why the thought of doing something I so much want to do, of being productive, of making some money, should cause me so much stress. Even now, a couple of hours later, the shaking continues and my stomach is turning.

I hope the Calgary contact calls me. I just don't know how it will be if I am actually successful in getting a project. I'm not sure how much success I can take. Right now, without any, I am having enough trouble holding it together. I wonder what on earth has happened to me, that guy who once took on all comers, saw nothing as impossible, was willing to accept a challenge. He doesn't seem to be with me anymore.