Something has happened to me this week, something not good, something in my mind and emotions. I seem to be losing it a bit, losing track of time, of things, of tasks. When I woke up this morning I had forgotten what day it was. I had to look at my phone to find out it was Saturday.
I did wake up this morning, at about 10:30 AM. Then I dozed in bed until about 2:00 PM. I finally got out of bed about 45 minuted ago, the call to the toilet to strong to ignore. I am feeling a bit lost. I haven't cooked a meal since Tuesday, nor have I had any strong drink since then. No wine, no beer, no Scotch, no nothing. My diet has been leftovers, toast, water and coffee. I've been having real trouble getting to sleep at night, taking a Zopiclone almost nightly this week. I didn't last night, just to make sure I could do it, but I also barely slept at all.
The last time I was out of my apartment was a couple of days ago, when Dion took me to Costco and later that day when I went to the movies with Dan and Emily. Since then, I've been home alone, having no human contact, interacting with the world through my computer and cell phone. It's not long, but it feels like a long time for some reason. Perhaps I am just lonely.
I've talked to my Mom daily, something important to me. But other than that, nothing. Even today, knowing full well I am running out of one of my important medications, I am resisting the trip over to Safeway, somehow afraid of the effort involved in transferring to my PWC. This would be an introverts paradise, except I am not an introvert.
I wonder if I am giving up, if this feels like what it feels like when you quit trying? I don't think I am. I think I am just out of step with my own reality, with myself. I think I am a bit lost in the wilderness right now, not the wilderness of ALS but the wilderness of my own emotions and thoughts. I am becoming afraid, truly afraid, of putting myself out there, at risk. I feel safer here at home, in my hermetically sealed life, safe within the womb of my apartment.
Am I done? I don't know. My body is still partially functioning. My mind still works, mostly. But my spirit? There I am not so sure anymore.
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ReplyDeleteWell, this is not your reality. As long as you keep busy and, alternately, too tired to think much, and limit thinking in order to keep the spirits up, you don't hear the big silence. But the big silence we all hear is not being in our real reality, this new reality that we're supposed to accept is not a loss of one or two things and, granted, not a loss of seeing or hearing, but a loss of so many independent things that it's not like you can forget about it except when you're stationary. It's not fun being stationary or sleeping all the time. Plus, not having the constant of Katherine has changed your day to day.
ReplyDeleteIt is not a coincidence this falls at the end of Summer Dad.
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