I'm Getting Worse

I've reached that stage of ALS where my general health is at risk almost constantly. There are all kinds of petty illnesses causing me constant grief, from constipation to rectal mucus, from perpetual infection to skin breakdown. There is little I can do to stop all this. It's the outcome of a failed core body along with the general ill health generated by lack of activity. I have both the illnesses of a sedentary lifestyle along with the illnesses of a weakened immune system.

A lot of PALS deal with this, the ever present risk of some sort of illness, something to knock them back in their chair. We all live with the threat of it, ALS providing us with a constant reminder that we are in a permanently weakened state. It's nothing extraordinary or unusual; it's just how it is as one progresses down the pathway of ALS.

It's not unusual for me to decry how unfair life has been to me, or how I got ripped off. It's pretty much a fact on both counts. On the other hand I have had a pretty wonderful life, right up until my mid-50's. I've had the kind of life many wish they could have had, the kind of life people dream of having. All that has happened is that the dreamy portion got cut short, and the marriage portion failed completely. Still, not bad overall.

In reality there are a great many people who have not enjoyed life as much as I have, a great many people not surrounded by the love and generosity of family and friends. Most PALS have nowhere near the kind of support network I have. Many people don't have the kind of joy which I continue to have in my life. Their are prisoners in jails for life, having entered therein as young as 19 years of age. I've had friends murdered at the same age. There are young mothers with cancer who will never see their children grow up. There are people who were in wonderful marriages only to see them torn apart by accident or illness. The world is filled with suffering worse than mine. That does not diminish mine in the least; it simply gives me pause, reminding me to be grateful, constantly.

I'm getting worse. Then again, with ALS there is no getting better. I will continue to diminish until it all comes crashing down. And even on that last day I will lament what I am missing. It's in my nature to want to see what comes tomorrow. Today I get that chance. I am glad of that.