Fine And Good

My home care worker was late today; we decided to skip the shower and just do my exercises. Actually I can still shower on my own if I take the risk of slipping when transferring from my shower seat to my wheelchair. It's workable, just dangerous. I am still reasonably capable with this personal care task; I'll be fine.

That's become a watchword for me, the catch-all phrase that describes my general view of life and ALS these days; "I'll be fine", or "I'm good". It's not dismissive nor is it untrue. While I stumble in my life, sometimes hurting myself, sometimes hurting those around me, I am confident these days that I will be fine, that I will be good. My biggest concern is not actually myself, but those around me how catch me when I fall. I know one day the fall will be too much, the catch to difficult. I realize how hard it is for others to deal with ALS.

Each of us has our own limitations. For me to keep going, it's important that I remember that it's not all about me, that others have to be "fine" too, the those whom I depend on are left with enough energy and compassion at the end of the day to be able to say they are "good", both physically and emotionally. It's easy for me to forget that just because I have ALS it doesn't mean I get a free pass on the rest of human interaction.

On the other hand, I know that those who care for me understand the frustrations in my life. They have seen the changes, been there for the tears, held me when I was exhausted, supported me me when I felt humiliated. I know that those who care for me require an extra ability to forgive and move forward. I have always been a bit difficult; ALS has simply amplified it. I know I let that amplification spill out at times. I know sometimes I hurt those who I depend on the most, just as I know they forgive as best they can, and we all move on.

It is in the nature of humanity to stumble, to fall, to get up and to move on. The challenge for me is that I can stumble just fine; getting up and moving on represent somewhat more of a challenge. I now depend on others. I have to be sure that when I stumble, it is for me alone. When I fall, I now am certain that I need someone to catch me. Yet here I am, as difficult as ever and perhaps moreso. It's a complicated thing, this life I live. It takes work to be "fine and good".