Trust Issues

I have trust issues. There is no doubt about it. One of my friends described it as a wall I built up around myself, letting nobody in lest they hurt me in some way. I was raised by a man with trust issues and then married a woman with trust issues. All through my life my own trust issues have been supported and reinforced in my deepest personal relationships.

My Dad warned me warned me persistently, in word and deed, that people could not be trusted. When someone gave you something, it was because they expected something in return. When you gave someone something, you had to remember it so that you could call back the favour when you needed it. You see, with my Dad, there was no such thing as a gift; it was always a transaction with an expected return.

Then I married Carla, a woman who barely trusted me and eventually didn't trust me at all. Her trust issues were not related to fidelity; while we were together I did not fool around. There were no other women in my life expect my wife. Carla's trust issues with me were related to money and reliability. From her I learned I was bad with money and was not a reliable provider.

In both of these relationships, the trust lessons I learned were not only incorrect, they were down right perverse. As it turns out, I am very reliable and have provided for my family very well. As it turns out, I am very good with money and have managed to look after myself very well. As it turns out, I am very generous without expectation of return. I have successfully unlearned those false lessons. However the deeper trust issues, the ones where I have learned to fear, are not being resolved quite as quickly.

I still have that wall. I am still suspicious of gifts; my Dad taught me they all came with strings. I still doubt myself in my recent financial decisions; my ex-wife would be telling me I've wasted a lot of money on frivolous things like travel and wine and my truck. I still doubt myself around reliability; I am letting my children down once again by dying too soon and leaving them with nothing. Those voices are still inside my head.

So when something happens that seems good, I am doubtful of it. When someone comes into my life and is good to me, I wonder what they want. When people say they will help me, I don't believe them. I am just not going to have enough time to unlearn these lessons, to get these voices out of my head. At least I recognize them. That's a first step.