Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Irritation And Annoyance

Home care came early today, a full 40 minutes early. It was a new person, not Micheal, my regular Home Care Aide. That early arrival cost me a precious 40 minutes of sleep, stacked up with a night where I barely slept at all. If I got a couple of hours of true sleep last night, that would be a generous count. Her early arrival annoyed me.

A lot of things annoy me these days. A lot of things irritate me these days. As my illness progresses and my body recedes I find the frustration and my inborn impatiences bubbling up to the surface much more easily. On top of that, the disease itself has increased my sensitivity to stress and decreased my tolerance levels for almost any emotional distress. It's a lot to manage, a lot to deal with.

It's understandable, this emotional deficit, the easy irritation. After all, I've lost most of my ability, agility, and freedom. I depend more and more on others, people whose lives don't always work on my schedule. Home care workers come early because that works for their schedule. While I may have a time sensitivity in terms of getting out of bed, they too have a time sensitivity in terms of other clients and other demands.

The most upsetting part for me these days is the cognitive impact. I find myself forgetting even the simplest of things these days; not Alzheimer's forgetfulness, just aging and cognitive impact of ALS. I used to carry multiple schedules around in my head. I used to be able to juggle many things at once; dates, times, locations, people, resources. Now I have trouble remembering if someone is coming for dinner or not.

Okay, perhaps it's not as bad as all that. After all, I am under a completely new kind of stress these days, a different emotional and intellectual regime. There has been regime change, and I have to get used to it. The problem is that this kind of fundamental change in body and mind takes time, time I don't have. And that irritates and annoys me too.

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