Tuesday, 14 March 2017

I Need A Haircut

I've been up and out of bed for over an hour now. This is my new regime, my new schedule. It's going to take me a while to get used to it. I want to get used to it. I want more life in my life, and sleeping at night seems the best way to enjoy more of the day, even though I seem to be naturally a night time person, like my brother Jim.

Now I have to figure out what to do with all these extra hours. Maybe having more naps? Maybe doing more shopping? I have to face the reality that I have very little in my life to keep me active. I know I "should" do something like volunteering or going to "day programs". The problem is I don't have the energy for concentrated activity, and I am not yet into basket weaving or making silly crafts.

Maybe I can work on getting someone new in my life, someone who wants to spend time with me, who can spend time with me, especially in the evenings. If anything is going to get me with this illness, it will be the loneliness. It's not just being physically alone, it is the lack of emotional companionship, the absence of someone beside me. With Katherine gone, all of that is gone.

I've said it before. I am a man who does best in the context of a committed one-to-one relationship. It's who I am. I do not do well single. I am not really up for playing the field or the dating game. I'm the kind of guy who likes cuddling up on the couch and watching a movie, especially these days. I'm the guy who likes to wake up to the same person each morning, sharing the same space, enjoying the same things as my partner. Just to be clear, that partner will be female.

These days I feel I have so little to offer. At least a couple of years ago, when I began my relationship with Katherine, I was stronger and had more endurance. The last couple of years have changed all that. I confess that I am not a highly marketable product. I am weak in body, although not in mind and spirit. I have a belly, thanks to spending all my time in this damned wheelchair. I tire easily, thanks to ALS.

Oh, and my hair needs cutting. Maybe that will be my goal for the day, cutting my hair. I can do that.

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