What Then?

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I admit it. I stayed up late last night and had a bottle of wine. But it wasn't that late, and one bottle of wine has almost no affect on me these days. I've been building up my resistance for a while now. No, the reason I didn't want to get up was simply one of energy. Getting up, even with the assistance of my Home Care Aide, requires energy. I just didn't feel like expending that energy this morning.

Almost everything these days is an energy trade-off. I'm having my own, personal energy crisis. Typing this blog requires energy. Making food requires energy. Getting dressed requires energy. Even going to the toilet requires energy. Unfortunately, toileting is something I am compelled to do, whether I am on the toilet or not. That energy use falls in the "required" category. However, almost all other energy use is optional. And some days I just don't want to use it.

Elizabeth is coming for dinner tonight. She is the real reason I got out of bed today. Yesterday it was Anne, Gabriela, and Kate, all in their turns. In fact the only reason I get out of bed on a great many days is because people are coming to visit. Sometimes I am up before they get here, other times I am not. Mostly my guests prefer that I am dressed before their arrival. On occasion the odd one has to help, but rarely.

It's probably the only thing which really keeps me going, truly gives me a reason to live, to function. The people in my life are doing more and more for me, most often just by showing up. I come to life in the company of others; I slide into morosity if I spend too much time alone. That's when the wine comes out, to self-medicate away the loneliness. I am so grateful for them.

I am compelled, however, to ask myself what will happen when I truly cannot get out of bed, when I am unable to greet them with a lively hello and a nice meal? What will happen when their visit is interrupted my home care taking me to the toilet or changing a catheter bag? What will they do when I don't call them, instead depending on them to simply come and visit? I suspect I will have a lot fewer guests. I am not sure what I will do then. The loneliness will get pretty bad.