Quietude

Peter is gone. Kathy, my HCA, is finished and gone. It sure is quiet around here when everyone is gone, except me. I'm not sure I like that quiet. I like the sound of people around me. I like the feel of others sharing my space and home. It feels safe, like a comforter wrapped round me on a cold day. It feels warm, even though the temperature is unchanged in any way. I like having someone near me.

Of course the downside to all this extroversion and requirement for people is that my life doesn't work that way these days. I am alone most of the time. Sure, there are frequently guests in my home. Sure, I have Home Care every morning. It's the gaps in between, and there are many of them, where the quiet solitude becomes truly apparent.

I admit there are days when I like this, when I need a rest from the commotion of day to day livng. Today is not one of those days. Fortunately Todd and Jessica will be here shortly, helping me fix my Kuerig problem. They are bring theirs over and swapping it with mine. Todd thinks he can fix it. That would be good. What's better is that they will come and visit. They will spend time with me. They will help with things around my apartment. It will be noisy again.

They will leave after they are done. The quietude will once again descend.  I will be alone. Again. I can live with this, on occasion even enjoy it. In the end, however, I like people. I like having them here. Especially when there is a close bond, like my bond with Peter, like my bond with my good friends. After they leave, I will probably sleep. That's what life is like now.

It's getting more difficult for me these days, tougher to keep going, more challenging to get out of bed and stay up for the day. I am getting more difficult, too. I have less strength, less energy, less will to do things. I have a shorter string, an earlier snapping point, a greater emotional response to things which truly mean nothing. It's all of apiece, this disease, this need for help, this want of companionship. I wish it wasn't this way. But it is.