A Nap Is Never A Bad Thing

I understand why people give up. I understand why someone would just choose to stop living, then fade away either quickly or slowly. I can see how someone might stop eating, or even drinking, giving up the stuff of life because they are tired of living. I understand it; I even think about it some times.

Today is one of those days. The combination of pain, exhaustion, weariness; the feeling of pointlessness, of having no reason to keep going; I have those feelings some days. Today is one of them. I am certain that being tired is one of the most powerful reasons for giving up. If it's just too much, and you have no reason to keep going, why bother?

Fortunately for me, I both know that these days will pass, and have someone coming over in a couple of hours to help me around my apartment. One of my friends will come by. We will work on tidying up my TV cables and reconnecting things that are not working properly. Perhaps he will help me fix my dishwasher; it's not draining properly. Again.

Nevertheless, at this moment, right now, I just wish this was all over. The cruelty of a slow, tedious, crippling, humiliating death is far more than any one person should bear. Yet it is also a terrible thing for someone who loves you to bear. Perhaps it is good that I am alone, single, right now. This challenge can destroy relationships, turning lovers into nurses, turning partners into care givers. I don't want to do that to anyone. It's not fair.

So, today, I will just wait for company to come over. I will cut some fruit for a fruit plate. I will tidy the spare room. Perhaps I will even rack some wine, if I can. I will do something, anything, to take my mind off of my body, to focus on something which gives me pleasure, to be active. Or perhaps I will just sleep. After all, a nap is never a bad thing, unless you are driving.