It's Saturday morning and I slept in. Most of the time this would be a good thing and part of it was. But as I lay in my bed slowing drifting from sleep to wake, I started thinking. Most of the time this would be a good thing and part of it was. But then I started thinking about the future.
Thinking about the future triggers a lot of emotions for me, feelings of loss and grief creep in, wondering about what I will miss, how my grandchildren will turn out and if they will ever know about me. I am sure they will know I existed but they will never know what I am, or was.
Emotions compound. Thinking about one negative emotion leads to others, my emotional state picks out all the other bad things and compounds them together. For "normal" life this would still happen. ALS makes it worse. When I feel bad about something in my life, I start thinking about the prognosis and end stage of my disease. Then I really feel bad.
I wish there was an easy way to get rid of this bad stuff. Often I shove it onto the others in my life. That means my friends and family have to hear about it, and that makes them feel bad. And it compounds some more.
Keeping a positive attitude takes effort and desire. But there are some simple things I can do too. For example, I can get out of bed and make myself a latte. I can think about some of the wonderful things in my life, the people I love and those who love me. I can enjoy the sun shining in the window. I can write. I can smile.
Then the good stuff starts compounding.
Richard, that's what friends and family are all about...to be there to hear the good stuff and the bad. I don't know you but your mom has talked about you and your siblings. From what I've heard your family is an amazing support system.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right. You can enjoy the sun shining in the window, you can smile and you can write. This blog is a great idea. It's a great way to keep close to family and friends. It's where folks like myself can get to know you.
Richard I'm a friend of your mom's as well and want you to know we are all here to listen to you and travel through this journey with you both and give cyber hugs. Your mom has decribed you as a strong, loving person but that doesn't mean you have to be every waking minute. Cut yourself some slack and enjoy a good pity party every once in a while then get on with life. I start each day by thanking the Lord for the wake up call then start dreaming about what trouble I can get into for the day and stay out of jail.
ReplyDeleteSallie Jean, you sound like my kind of person. Each morning I thank God for another day, and each night I thank him again for letting me live it fully. I will try to stay out of jail.
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