Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Losing Things

I want you to try something. Cross your big toe with the first little toe on your foot. You can do that, right? Well most people can do it, even if you can't. You see, I can't either. It's one of the things I have lost. I am slowly losing all control over my toes and my feet in general.

At this point I can still scrunch my toes up, but oddly enough I cannot straighten them out. I have control over the muscles needed to curly my toes, and to curl them tightly. But the muscles needed to uncurl those toes are becoming weaker and weaker. I am losing control over them. The toes on my left foot have a constant small curl these days.

I am losing control over my driving foot. I can still drive but I can see a day coming soon when the hand controls that I consider optional today will be a requirement. It's still a while off, but like a storm cloud in the distance across a prairie sky, I can see it. It's out there and the wind is blowing it this way.

Losing things is a normal part of life. As we age, we all lose things. We lose our strength. We lose short term memory. We lose near sight focal ability. As we age we will all lose muscle control of some sort or other. I am not alone in this. Mine is just more apparent and rapid.

These loses are frustrating and it is rough knowing that they will continue. There are no drugs to stop this process (at least not today) and there are no treatments to reduce its impact. It may slow down, it may speed up; I have no control over that either. It is just happening and there is nothing I can do about it. I see it marching towards me like that storm cloud.

I am losing things. I have lost my illusions about this process. I have lost my left foot. I am losing walking. I will lose driving. I will lose touching. I will lose speaking. I will lose eating. I will lose breathing.

1 comment:

  1. Your blog mirrors my life Living With ALS!! You put into words what I am feeling. Thank you.