Firsts and Lasts

I have "good leg days" and "bad leg days". Most often they are related to my general state of being. If I am tired, either emotionally or physically, it tends to show up in my leg strength (or lack thereof). If I am rested and in a good emotional space, then I tend to do better. It makes sense if you think about it.

Today is a good leg day, so far. Even on a good leg day, though, I think about the things that are firsts and lasts in my life. This morning I found myself thinking about what it will be like when I can no longer care for myself, when I lose my ability to dress myself, my ability to put on my shoes, my ability to feed myself.

Those are the "lasts". I also started thinking about the firsts; the first time I used my wheelchair, the first time I used my cane, the first time I will need to eat through a tube, the first time I will need help in the bathroom.

And then I thought about losing my dignity.

Perhaps the only thing this disease will not take from me is my spirit and soul. Regardless of how it attacks my body, I will still be me. I will still be that strength of spirit and that soul of adventure. I will still be the impatient, the needy, the laughing, the silly. I will still be all that I am, I just won't have a body that works.

In the end, even that will go. Then I will be a memory. You will remember the last time you saw me or read my blog or heard my voice. You will remember the last time I made you dinner or shared a glass of wine with you. You will remember your last. Then you will think of your first Christmas without me, your first sailing trip without me, your first birthday without me. You will remember your firsts.

You see, I am not alone in these firsts and lasts.