Mess

Rough night last night, after a very busy day yesterday. There are all kinds of unhappy little things happening to me these days, the kinds of things that can really grind you down. You would think I could get over some of these things, recognizing that they only exist because of ALS. Unfortunately it's the reverse, that they remind me of what it was to not have ALS.

When I eat these days, I put as much on my shirt as I do in my mouth. Unless it is something I can clearly stab, like a piece of meat or a solid vegetable, or perhaps bread if it's got gravy on it. I can do soft stuff that clumps together, like mashed potatoes, but it's a 50/50 shot at getting it to my mouth. My best chance of eating a relatively mess-free dinner is to lean back in my chair so I am not lifting as high with my fork. As to a spoon, the odds go way down. I spill with every lift.

I ate my dinner in the living room last night, a nice green salad with taco beef, cheese, and lots of lettuce. Mostly the lettuce was stabable. It was the taco beef and cheese which were problematic. So now I have this awful mess of dried up beef and cheese, alone with some escaped greenery, crusted onto my living room floor. I'm going to ask my morning HCA to clean it up. I just hate the mess in the first place.

Then there is the spillage from my wine, water, or adult beverages. I simply cannot lift any beverage container without my shakiness creating waves in a glass, most of which splash over the edge, either on to me, or onto the floor, or, when I'm in bed, then onto my sheets. I have reverted to straws now, yet even they can be a challenge, wiggling about in the glass as they do while headed mouthward.

It's all the latest level of frustration. I have to live with it. I don't have to like it. I don't have to apologize for it. It's just the latest part of living with ALS.