Will You Be With Me?

Will you be with me when I die? I've been thinking about what that means, especially with the death of my friend Pat. It doesn't mean what you might think it means. It doesn't mean standing there beside my bed. It doesn't mean sitting with me holding my hand. It doesn't mean constantly caring for me. What it means is will you be aware of me, thinking of me, holding my heart with yours? Will you be aware of how my life has gone in its recent days? Will you know who to call to find out what has happened to me? Will you be wondering what I am thinking or feeling in those last minutes as I pass from this universe to the next?

I've learned a great deal about this lately, how people can be right beside you, yet not be there with you. I've seen how people from a great distance can sense the moment of death, or at least the hour of death; people who are so intimately aware of the other that separation is more of a concept than a reality. I've also learned that many of those who say they wish they could be with me really mean that as an idea, perhaps even an excuse.

There are those truly unable to be in physical touch, people like my Mom who can no longer travel. Then again there are those who talk about connection with no plan whatsoever to make that connection. I know there are people out there who's financial situation precludes any chance of physical touch. Still, the truth is that if you want to be emotionally in touch with someone, the first step is to actually be in touch with them, often, if not in person then at least in a personal way.

It's a tough thing, making some of these choices, particularly in my case, where timelines are slow and uncertain.This November 22nd will be the sixth year since my diagnosis. For at least the last three years my constant thought has been "If I am here next year..." Yet I have not died. Each year I have felt closer to death, less capable of living. Each year I have wondered if this was it. That uncertainty creates a real challenge for those who want to get in that one last visit, who want to be present with me.

Here is my advice. For those you love, treat each visit as the last visit. Treat each moment as the last moment. Treat each contact as the last contact. Leave behind no unfinished business, no cloud. If we part happily, then you will be with me in my last moments. It is my wish to take a treasure chest of love and memories with me. I save the precious moments in that chest the moment they happen. Then I am sure I will be with you, take you with me, as I draw my last breath.