I wish I could figure out what people are thinking, what the subtle messages and cues were in their body language. I know it's stupid, but I worry about what people think of me, especially those close to me. I fear their judgement, wanting them to approve of me. In the end I just don't know, can't tell what's on their mind. I do know one thing for sure, their probably not thinking about me at all. It's the nature of humanity.
This emotional insecurity has always been a part of my life. I suspect it has something to do with the challenges in my relationship with my Dad. It was impossible for me to garner any real sense of his approval. He withheld it, know that it was a tool he could use to manage me. It set a pattern for my life, for so many of my relationships. It most likely both created and destroyed my marriage; me, constantly seeking approval, and her, able to judge and direct with that knowledge.
The thing about all of this is that I know my life is drawing to a close. I know I shouldn't really give a shit about what others think of me. I know that those who are with me are here because they love me, warts and all. I know that some of them may draw away is the noose around my neck draws tighter. I know there are those who will be here until my last breath. I know all of these things, yet I still cannot manage to shake my insecurity.
What this demonstrates clearly is that ALS is a disease of the body, not the mind. My mind is as disfunctional as it has ever been, my thoughts as irrational as they ever once were. The only real challenge is struggling with the emotions I get with ALS, combined with the normal emotions in my life. In other words, I get to maintain my normal, screwy insecurity, plus I get the depression and self-doubt that comes with the disease. So, as with everything else in this illness, I am crazy like normal, plus a little extra for ALS. That's just how it works.
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