Monday, 21 August 2017

Cutting My Own Balls

This whole "peeing in a jug" things is not an easy situation. In fact it is fraught with difficulty, even danger. My goal these days it to get through the whole day without peeing on myself. While seated in a wheelchair, unable to adjust my pants, peeing at a right angle with my junk all stuffed up from inside of my underwear, this goal is almost impossible to meet.

Before I go any farther, I need to say that as a man, this whole going pee thing is a lot less of a problem than it is for women pALS. While most, if not all, I have spoken too have tried to keep themselves into transferring from wheelchair to commode, ulitmately they are forced to make an unpleasant decision much sooner than men. Catherization.

The most common approach is the supra pubic catheter, which, like it sounds, avoids the pubic area completely. A small tube is inserted, usually through the stomach wall, into the bladder. In most cases the tube is clipped off. When your bladder is full, you go pee by unclipping the tube, pointing, and letting nature take its course. The step beyond this, when you lose your ability to clip, is a urostomy bag.

For men, as long as we have some arm and strength control, we can always pull out our junk and pee. Or at least that what we would like to believe. In fact getting your penis through the clothing is a realy challenge, especially when that thing wants to hide back up inside your body. To help, you would likely do as I do, pulling out the whole package, allowing easier access to the necessary part.

This pulling and packing takes place in a dangerous environment of zippers and elastic waistbands, creating even more pressure on the situation in hand. It takes a fair bit of pushing and adjusting before everything is correctly positoned. By this time, your poor bladder simply cannot wait any longer. It lets go, while you desparately grab for the jug near at hand before the fountain starts to spray.

If you are lucky, you can get things pointed in the right direct. Then you will realize that pointing directionally while seated in a wheelchair with pants and underwear creating back pressure all creates a situation of "kinks" in the line. You want to. You need to. But you find things moving at a dribble, thanks to the many bends in the road and pressure on the urether. So you adjust, pushing the jug further down, forcing more release room for your troublesome minor member.

That's when you realize that your new jug has sharp edges at the lip, sharp enought to cut soft skin when it slides across while being forced down. The edge of your jug becomes a very dull knife, and you find yourself slicing your own balls with that small, dull knife. You can feel the slight sting, see the small amount of blood. So now you are peeing and bleeding at the same time. Since the bleeding is slight, you know it can wait. You readust, making more smears of blood on your hands and jug.

In the midst of all of this, you start to wonder. "If I get urine on this cut, what will happen?" You see, nowithstanding what you read on the Internet, urine is not "sterile". That is a myth. Urine comes from your bladder, home to any number of bacteria. Those bacteria get lively once they enter the outside air, and even livelier if they happen to find a blood environment. Those cuts can become infected. Ask me how I know.

So finally you are done. Your bladder is finished. The bleeding seems to have stopped. You go to put things away. That's when the "old man" finishing bit decides to make its appearance. Is that cut stinging? It's wet in there. What will happen? In the end, you just have to go on with your life, accepting that this stuff happens. It really does. Once again, ask me how I know.


  1. You need to switch exclusively to oversized workout shorts or oversized (zippered if possible) sweatpants.

    Start by getting six squares of toilet paper and roll them into a tight roll. Set this within easy reach or tuck it into your waistband. Also, loop a shoelace around the urinal handle with the other end looped around your wrist in case you lose your grip and the bottle slips/falls.

    If you are wearing the shorts, simply hike one of your pant legs up to your stomach exposing your underwear. Never try this maneuver over the top of a waistband or you will end up with a fountain effect and spend most of your strength trying to push the elastic down. BTW, you need oversized underwear too, to loosen things up (like 3 sizes too big). Open your underwear flap, pull your junk out and you should have a relatively kink free experience. When you are done, grab the toilet paper with you free hand and wrap it around the the tip of Mr Happy and put your junk back in its original position (with the TP turban along for the ride). Hopefully the TP has soaked up any backwash, kink fluids, or drips. Use more or less TP depending on your situation.

    If you are in the sweatpants, it's harder, you need a nice long zipper to open things up in front. LL Bean makes some nice ones. It won't be as easy as the shorts, because you will need to unzip and push all the material down out of the way. However, the sweatpant material will be easier to manage than other fabrics, like denim.

    BTW, never wear jeans, they just don't have the flexibility nor long enough zippers. Buy a few urinals from different companies and get rid of any sharp ones, although I've never gotten cut by one and never have had a UTI. I have very limited strength and have been doing this for 15 years.

    Good luck!

    1. Excellent suggestions. I often wear lounge pants but I will never completely give up my jeans. I have three jugs now, but will likely be a different one to replace the slicer.