I'm Tired Of All This

I'm beginning to get a handle on this blasé phase I seem to be going through. I really have seen it all before. I'm feeling the pangs of loneliness more strongly, knowing full well this feeling will come and go. I am completely aware that the alone nature of my existence has a lot to do with ALS and lifestyle limitations.

Over the last few weeks I have been having a text conversation with a woman. She is in a wheelchair, however she is a paraplegic thanks to an accident in her younger years. She lives a full and complete life, has children, has her own home. In short, she has a lot in common with me when it comes to physical, and likely emotional, lifestyle.

In our discussions, in all discussions with anyone, I am quite direct. I don't really have a lot of time to beat around the bush, not with ALS chasing me as I do so. I get to the point as fast as I reasonably can, without seeming too blunt. So after a reasonable conversation time, I asked about sex. Quite reasonably, she declined on details but said she would only consider sex after marriage. It is a view I have heard before and understand completely.

Unfortunately for me, I don't have a lot of time and energy for marriage. I would get married, except whoever marries me would have to have a very good pre-nuptual agreement to avoid getting the debts I have built up on Visa and MasterCard. Then there is the money I own on strata fees. There's been a bit of delinquency in my last few years; I would hate to bring that into a marriage. Also, I just don't want to go through the hassle of getting married. It's all just too much for me.

You see, I've seen it before. Marriage, sex, children, work, life. There are lots of new expereinces out there for me, I know this. They just have to happen soon. How soon? That's the problem; I cannot define "soon". All I can say for sure is my life expectations are decidedly shorter term than most. My ability to handle stress is much lower than most. I am both emotionally and physically weakened by ALS. I know what all this looks like. I live it every day. It gets tiring after a while. Wake me up when it's over.