Curse Of The Mummy's Wrap

I had an incident last night. Don't worry. This incident involved no bodily fluids, no hours of discomfort, no residual mess or pain. In fact this incident was funny; it could have been written as a Tim Conway comedy sketch. This incident, as all great incidents do, started with a good idea, which then lead to a series of poor decisions in executing that idea.

Last night I decided it would be a good thing if is slept on the "other" side of my bed. My predominant position is on the left side of the bed. This is leading to skin discomfort on my left thigh, nascent pressure sores waiting to blossom full. So, periodically, I change sides in the bed. Actually I don't so much change sides as I have the night HCA position me on that side. The position involves not only the placement of my body, but the position of my hips to allow me to roll from my back to my side, something I cannot do if my hips are slanted in the wrong direction.

All of this was done. I was placed well on the bed. We did a side positioning; it wasn't great as it left me too close to the edge of the bed to get my arms well positioned away from the M-rail. Nonetheless, I was in, and down, ready to sleep. Except I wasn't ready to sleep, so I spent the next hour or so online, reading the news on my phone, checking facebook, tweeting now and again. Finally, at around 11:00 PM, I decided to shut of my night table lamp and head for sleepy land.

That's when I discovered the HCA had forgotten to turn of the other lamp, the one on the other side of the bed, the one clearly out of my reach. No problem. I'll roll the other way, reaching out with my arm to pull the cord. Well, that didn't work. My arms are just not that long. So instead I grabbed my grabby stick, thinking I could grab the pull cord with my stick, then pill the cord to turn the lift off. Unfortunately, even with the stick, I could not make the pull.

So there I was, grabby stick in hand, wondering how to reach that cord. I then realized that if I pulled myself a bit further across the bed I could probably make it. So I pushed and pulled and wiggled myself sideways. I suspect that is when I trapped my sheets and quilt underneath my body. I didn't notice it immedialy as I had lots of slack from the other side of my bed. Unknowing of my trouble arising in the sheet behind my back, I once again reached for the cord. I got it! I also found out that pulling a lamp cord with a grabby stick is almost impossible.

I tried, then I tried. I tried again, then again. Finally I did a massive grab for the cord, not realising I had the lamp stem as well as the cord. I pulled! The lamp, unable to sustain verticality, fell over. The light, in a fit of stubborn anger, did not go off. So now I had the lamp tilted over on the night table and me in the middle of the bed, now unable to get anywhere near the pull cord. So, thinking only of the moment, I piled my excess pillows beside the M-rail to block the lamplight as best I could.

Now it was time to roll back into position, conceding defeat to the lamp, the bed, the grabby stick, whatever. I quit! It was at this moment I discovered that my sliding and rolling had firmly trapped me in my sheets, a victim wrapped in spider's silk, a dead Egyptian trapped in mummy muslin. I could not roll, eithe way. I could barely shift my arms, let alone the bulk of my body. I flung my right arm out to reach the M-rail. hoping one last pull might break me free. I grabbed the M-rail with my right hand, then wiggled my left across, using my fingers to pull my dead arm. I made that last great effort to turn, whereupon my left hand slipped, knocking my tablet computer, the stand it rests upon, my glasses, and, worst of all, my phone, all off the night table.

I lay there, wondering what else could go wrong. Lot's else could go wrong. It didn't. In fact something went right. I noticed that my cell phone had not, in fact, fallen to the floor. It had slid back with my flailing hands, dragging itself under the sheets I was no entangled in. I had my phone! I could call for help!

So I did. I called the AHS Night Nurse Service. They were actually on duty. They were actually available. They sent a nurse who arrived in all of 20 minutes. She fixed the lamp. She picked up the tablet, the stand, and my glasses. She cleared room on my night stand so they would not fall again. She picked up the lamp I had knocked over, turning it off in the process. She pulled the sheets and quilt out from under me. And finally, she repositioned me back to where I should have been in the first place.

And then, I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep.