Looking Out, Looking In

I don't like to write negative stuff. It seems like I am denying that life has its moments, that not everything in my world is a negative. It's true though, that there are some bad things going on all the time in my life, even on my best of days. This morning the sky is that white sprinkled blue that you can only get in a prairie sky. It's warm, so warm that my windows are wide open so I can feel the breeze, so warm that I am thinking I should get my big fan out to cool this place down. These are all good things. They are also all things external to my body.

If I turn that glance inwards, selfishly focusing on me, the picture is not quite so pleasant. I awoke this morning to pain in my arms and shoulders. Not minor pain; enough pain such that I wondered how quickly I could get some T3's with Codeine in me. That pain has barely lessened with the drugs in my system. It's still making me unwiling to move my arms or shoulders.

The report on the ultrasound and x-rays from the other day should be at my doctors office today. Is soon as I am done with this blog post, I plan on calling his office to see how quickly I can get into to see him. Not only am I concerned about the pain I go through, I am also concerned that I may be on the verge of yet another bladder infection. It's a chronic issue for me. I know I will be back on antibiotics shortly. That's just the way it is.

Perhaps it is just better for me to look outside, to meditate on the spring soon to arrive, its harbingers all about. If I focus elsewhere, the pain becomes more manageable. If I focus elsewhere, I can see good things, both in the world and in my life. If I focus elsewhere, I think a lot less about living with ALS and a lot more about life in general. Looking inward is not a good thing if all you see is darkness. I would rather listen to the birds, feel the breeze, smell the fresh air. Looking outwards is best on days like today.