I Could Win The Lottery

I have done nothing today, unless you count getting my laundry back from the laundry room. I didn't do the laundry; that was a caregiver. I just had to go get it when it was done. I didn't even take it out of the dryer; one of my neighbours did that for me. All I had to do was get the baskets and dump them on the couch.

My energy of yesterday has disappeared into the wind. All I feel today is depression and sadness. Sure, I have reasons to feel this way. Most days I can deal with this stuff below the surface, wearing a smile while crying inside. Most days I can keep myself energized by the tasks before me, enough so that I at least get one thing done. I haven't even signed the papers which I committed myself to signing last night.

It's all just too overwhelming. It takes so much out of me. Having ALS is enough. Getting bladder infections that put me in hospital is worse. Home care failures are worse yet. My back is still itchy from where the surface skin burned off from the acid in my urine, the urine I slept in for 8 hours on Good Friday. It wasn't all that good for me. The mess is cleaned up. The smell is gone. But the damage remains, on my body and on my spirit. I'm fairly tired of all this.

To talk to me, you would think I sound nothing like my blog. I'm cheerful. If you ask my how I am doing, I'll say "fine" or at worst "I'm doing okay". Most people don't want the rest of the story. I just have to keep going, Sysiphus to the rock of ALS, alone, if not in spirit for certain in body. And my body has taken a beating lately. I'm due for some luck. Of course given my luck, this month I will win the $1,000 a month for life lottery, then die in a couple of months. Sure, that should do the trick.