Bank Balance Fears

I have to confess to being a bit frightened right now. For the last 5 months I have enjoyed seeing the balances of my bank accounts and feeling a certain security in knowing that I had money. That money meant I could buy things, enjoy things, travel, be generous with my children and grandchildren. It also meant I could pay off some past due bills, like my overdue condo fees. So I've been doing just those things.

Then, yesterday, I booked a trip to Scotland and Ireland with David. Once again he is taking me, along with my wheelchair and commode chair, on an adventure, this time a driving holiday of a week in each place. David put the tickets on his credit card; I am to email him the money for my part of the trip today. This will make a substantial dent in my bank balances, especially my travel fund balance.

It has been a terrific year so far this year. I've been able to pay all mys bills, buy whatever food I wanted to eat, buy decent wine kits, travel on road trips and adventures to resorts far off. I've been able to entertain, to take my grandchildren toy shopping when they visit, to offer my children support that might allow them to come and visit me. I have loved every minute of it.

Alas, this must come to an end. This trip with David will be my last major expenditure. I know there are so many other things out there. I wanted to go on a cruise. I would like to do at least one more road trip. I had hoped to drive the Dempster Highway once more, this time all the way to the Arctic Ocean on the new highway from Inuvik to Tuk.

On the plus side, I have never been to Ireland, north or south. While I have been to Scotland, I've never been north of Edinburgh. I've long wanted to get up into the highlands, long wished to see the Spey River, Loch Ness, Loch Lomond. I've dreamed of driving about the soft, green hillsides of Ireland, round old roads, stopping by pubs where Gaelic is the language of the day. Now, with David's help, I get to do this.

My bank account is draining. That is scary. My life is draining. That is even scarier. I find myself, once again, worrying about which will run out first, money or life. In the end it doesn't really matter all that much. Given my loss of arms and upper body, I won't be able to travel all that much longer, at least not without substantial medical support. No, it looks like this is it. So, while I may be afraid to look at my bank balance, I'm more afraid to thing about what I will miss if I consider money alone. I don't have much life left. I want to live it as much as I can.