Pain. Gain.

ALS has been at war inside of me in some sort of massive battle for my arms and shoulders over the last week. My left arm is just about ready to give up; not completely, but enough that it will make a substantial difference in my functioning. My right side is still fighting the battle, but it is a battle which is leaving me exhausted, completely.

I noticed it a few days back, when I did all that work on the one bathroom shelf. That work day, and the small amount I did the following day, simply tore the daylights out of the muscles in both arms and in my shoulders. The problem is that doing this kind of thing makes the destructive power of ALS magnify. The muscles that I damaged in the work are not going to repair, or at least not come back to the same condition as before. The last few days they have been proving that to me, simply not handling even the lightest of tasks without massive complaint and tiredness.

This is what is happening to me in general, as I creep down this road to decrepit, sliding down the hill into complete disrepair. It's not one big thing, nor is it a bunch of little things. It is a combination of everything; the loss of strength, the loss of energy, the exhaustion involved with mere activities of daily living.It's all becoming too much for my upper body.

This is also why I am having trouble motivating myself to be social. It takes so much work to get into my power chair and go out. It's not just the chair. It's the catheter, the coat, the gloves, the shoes. It's getting ready and getting going, all of which tires me out. If I want to do something, I have to push past that tiredness, which demands more on my body, which wears me out even more. For every action, I pay a price, a very high price.

I've been exhausted the last few days. More rest does little more good; I've been getting more rest. I just have to keep going, regardless, accepting the limits of my physical self while pushing the boundaries of my spirit and willingness. This is not an easy illness. Nor does it have to be a hard one, unless you want some sort of quality in your life. I will take the pain. Life is my gain.